All Wrapped Up!

According to wire reports from the city's news-houses, Red Stockings helmsman Terrence "Terry" Francona spent much of the week-end huddled in the dug-out, wrapped in a rough burlap chemise. The body shaking and pursed lips of the inimitable Skipper must have led many to diagnose an acute case of the grip, or at least a mild ague.

Alas, were it only an illness confined to the Fearless Leader of Heroes. The truth was more difficult to bear than a tumbler of castor oil after a Revere Beach roller coaster trip: The Red Stockings' ash sticks were as silent as the day they were hewn from the woods of Methuen. Altogether poor clouting from the gathered nine led to a four-match stretch of arid and unforgiving terrain.

Fortunes be had, however. Sunday's match felt the hand of the Almighty tipping the scales in the Boston's favor. Those ne'er-do-well High Seas Marauders from the City of Pittsburgh committed a Pennsylvania's worth of follies, from pill-booting muffs to tender-handed boners amongst the fielding corps. That allowed plates from the Heroes from the Fens, despite their ash sticks still remaining as ineffective as a North End wastrel mounting a campaign against indecency and opium dens (imagine such a scenario!).

April Fools?

Alright, then, what wag is responsible for the put-on?

Surely a money-man (possibly from a gambling syndicate) arranged an elaborate humbug in to-night's contest. Surely that aggregation of bumblers wearing our beloved red hose is not the same group of gentlemen ball-players who bested the Tampas in yesterday's Inaugural Tilt.

Following a decisive victory that featured all the beauties of the game, the squad patrolling Fenway's scared diamond appeared more like sailors who had recently stumbled from the nearest rum-hole. Shoddy fielding, limp stick-work, haphazard hurling -- muffluism seemed to be the order of the day in this altogether unattractive match for Rooters to behold.

Now that the jest is done, may we please return our fine starting nine to their positions for to-morrow's afternoon "rubber" match?