1 - 1 = 0

Crumbs! Crumbs, I say! As soon as the glorious day we've long awaited arrives -- the return of our Colossus to the batting-box -- his compatriot of clout disappears from the starting nine.

Again, we're forced to ask, "Where is the Wonder?" One without the other in the batting order is like a scale out of balance, and the weakness is undeniable: A white-washing by the hated New Yorks.

Crumbs!

The Bostons Triumph in Inaugural Match!

The season of match playing began today far from the local ball-field, with the Boston squad joining the Athletics of Oakland in a diplomatic expedition to the island nation of Japan. Despite the foreign environs, both teams played with vim and determination, offering a very fine display of the beauties of the game.

It must be admitted that Boston starting hurler and returning native Matsuzaka-san began the game poorly. Displaying little command of the pill, Matsuzaka issued five bases on balls during his first four frames. The Oaklands helped themselves by making several conclusive hits, including a shocking four-bagger gotten by the second batsman of the match.

Meanwhile, the Boston bats remained stymied until the 6^th inning, when noted swat-artist Manny Ramirez hit a magnificent drive for two bases that allowed two Bostonians to cross the home plate. There was much celebrating on the field and clamor from the assembled spectators. A subsequent hit made by the yannigan Brandon Moss brought Ramirez full-circuit, and knotted the score in a three-run “tie.”

Alas, the Bostons lost their advantage quickly, when lanky twirler Snyder served up the sphere on a platter for Hannahan of Oakland, who clouted it over the wall for another two Oakland runs.

Just when the game seemed lost, young Moss toed the dirt in the batters box and declared his presence again, smashing a drive out of the park to notch the equalizer in the top half of the final inning. It was his first-ever four-bagger for the major league club, and certainly one that will be recounted for years on both sides of the Pacific Ocean.

The feat was even more impressive considering Moss was a late addition to the starting nine, after Ol’ Aches and Pains Drew became a late scratch. It seems he’s suffering from a bout of dreaded lumbago -- most likely caused by tight quarters during the long steamer trip overseas.

With both clubs recording four runs, a tenth inning had to be played. Again, Ramirez delivered a merciless blow to the old pill, sending it caroming off the out-field wall and allowing two more of his club-mates to round the bags. It proved to be the edge the Bostons needed to prevail on this day, a memorable opening day, from the faraway land of Japan.

The Kings of Fort Myers

There was barely a dandy to be seen without a celebratory cigar on the avenues of Fort Myers this afternoon, as our local squad defeated cross-town rivals the Minnesotas by an impressive tally of 12-7. The triumph brought bragging rights and the coveted Mayor’s Cup back to the Boston’s clubhouse this year. A harbinger of larger victories yet to come?

Starting hurler "Beanpole" Buchholz twirled a solid 3 frames before surrendering a pair of runs to the challengers, but his team-mates took their revenge at the plate. “Colossus” Ortiz and his partner in swat, “Man-Child” Ramirez, each notched run-scoring two-baggers. But neither of those monumental home-run getters drove the sphere over the fence this day.

Instead, the four-ply drives came courtesy of third-string backstop Kevin “Flash” Cash, “Rip” Van Every, and Our Captain. In all, it was a display of Base Ball skills that will stand as a classic in the annals of Mayor’s Cup contests!