The right foot forward!

Quite literally, our Heroic Capt. Varitek is putting his right foot forward, and doing it better than he previously has, according to witnesses. Our stout-limbed leader has followed the sage advice of swatting advisor David Madigan, Esq., and altered his batter's stance from the left side -- a side that proved meddlesome during the last full season of base-ball.

It's no question that proper anatomical mechanics are key for swatters and hurlers alike, and I, for one, am pleased our fearless captain has had the fortitude to recognize the changes that must be made and the courage to implement such changes.

I look forward to a swatting season when our heroic backstop arrives safely at the first sack more often than twice and two-tenths for every 10 batting appearances. (Mathematics watchers will enjoy this phrased as a decimal -- a .220 "batting average". As Stuffy and I become more comfortable with this nomenclature, we at Full Circuit Clout will begin adopting such phraseology.)

Bring back our Colossus

The recent epidemic of ineffectual swatting has worked my patience to its limits. “High-Pockets” Lugo stands at the dish with the countenance of a street urchin caught in the path of trolley car. Capt. Varitek swings as if underwater. And Coco “The Brawler” Crisp appears to be suffering ill effects from his recent tussle with half of the Tampas. How else to explain his inability to square ash to horsehide with any effect?

Even The Wonder is afflicted with some variation of the swat-sapping disease (despite knocking the pill for a deciding “run” last evening). That so many are failing so spectacularly at their batting duties makes us ache for the return of our Colossus -- the Mighty Ortiz, the one with the fists as big as hams.

Reports that he’s facing live hurlers again -- albeit in pre-match warm-up swatting -- are heartening. We can only hope his recovery continues apace, so he can bring his great and terrible clouting back to the diamond in time to help the Bostons capture another American League pennant.