Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Physician’s Best Friends

Monitoring the clouting progress and hurling proficiency of our Bostons is one of the delights of spring base ball training. Less delightful is the need to recount the ongoing maladies of those players who don the hospital gown more often than the team flannels.

To wit: “Ol’ Aches and Pains” Drew seems unable to shake the dreaded lumbago that has afflicted him throughout the lushing season. Reports issued today indicate the hobbled out-fielder chugged north via steam locomotive for a meeting with spine specialists, who administered syringe-cure directly to the afflicted portions of his backbone.

For corn’s sake! At this rate, the brittle baller will have more pricks than a seamstress’s pin cushion before they’ve hung the Opening Day Bunting on Fenway’s Green edifice!

And what of our hapless short-stop “High Pockets” Lugo? Seems he’s once again looking peaked, blaming his condition on poisoned victuals! The Dominican’s delicate gut requires a steady drip of anti-fogmatics (Duffy’s, we presume) and filtered spring waters. If he’s not looking well soon, he’s sure to un-do all the muscular conditioning achieved through his rigorous sessions with the medicine-ball.

Note to team staff: Please determine whether one Mary Mallon is employed as High Pockets’ personal chef. In the interim, keep “Square Face” Lowrie on a diet of Graham Crackers and Ginger beer. We can’t afford two sickly scarecrows in the all-important position between the sacks.

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